22 Weeks!

I can't believe I'm 22 weeks, know what I'm having, and feeling strong kicks daily. When I say strong kicks I mean like belly moving already. Hannah is extremely mobile and strong and it kind of scares me to think about her getting bigger in there! It seems like yesterday I ran into the kitchen yelling "that's a line, that's a line" on the pregnancy test. I had waited for this baby and prayed for her. I had a year full of tears, ups, and downs. Prior to this year I had taken getting pregnant for granted. It only took me a month, maybe two, and I was pregnant with the other three. Well with Josiah I didn't even plan it; he just came. There was no waiting, hoping, praying, and trying. No stark white pregnancy tests every month, and no miscarriages (yes I had one in between Josiah and Hannah this year). Then there was no stress that my dad might not make it to see the next day. There were no phone calls making me feel at ease just to get a text a few moments later making me feel like my world would be changed forever. Then there was the other thing. The thing some of you know but most of you don't. It's the part of my life I probably won't talk about much. This was a difficult year for me, and to think of it closing in just a short few weeks brings me lots of emotions. At the middle of the year I was praying for this year to end. It was the worst year of my life thus far. I just wanted it to be over because the next year had to be better. Then everything changed. God blessed me twice. He healed my dad and he gave me Hannah. The year was instantly looking up! Now I can focus on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the joys of having another baby. I've had a few glares, I've heard a few tell me how lucky I am, and I've even had a few tell me they can't even be happy for me. I guess having boy, girl, boy, girl is a coveted thing. I can't/won't apologize for the blessings that God has given me in the midst of a horrible year, but I won't take it for granted either. I feel incredibly blessed! At Marshall's, while buying a few baby items, a very nice lady asked me if I was going to have a baby. I told her "yes, I am in my 6 month." She then asks me if it is my second. I told her it was actually my fourth expecting the "wow, are you kidding me?!" that I usually get; but to my surprise she says, "ohhhh, you are so lucky." She then goes on to tell me she has one six year old girl and has not been able to get pregnant since. She's been desperately trying, seeking medical help, etc.. It was in this moment I could throw out all the negativity about how many children I have (apparently four is two too many for most) and just be eternally grateful for the blessings God has given me. Since that time I've also had my midwife tell me she would have had a hundred babies if she could, but after a miscarriage/still birth she couldn't get pregnant again. I am not out of the woods yet with this pregnancy, but I am thankful for what I have been given. Children are a blessing and heritage from the Lord, boy or girl. I would have been thankful, and have felt blessed, with either because each is planned by God to make an impact of some sort in the world.

Speaking of an impact in the world; I walk by my kitchen hutch where I've placed photos of Hannah (with a Thanksgiving theme) and I can't help but wonder who she will be. Each one of my children is so unique and special. Maybe it is me getting older, or maybe it took not being able to get pregnant for a year (although I know that is a drop in the bucket to some) that made me realize I took my kids for granted in some ways. With Hannah I can't even throw away that pregnancy test, because it reminds me of the past year-- the trials, the joys, but most importantly the things I want to change. I want to pour more life into my kids and their individual personalities. I want to help them become all that God has created them to be and see their potential grow. Not so much in sports, activities, etc. but in growing their souls. In helping their spirits flourish and helping them to understand that happiness does not come from circumstances. Happiness comes from within the soul. Happiness is being content, finding pleasure in the smallest of things, and accepting life for what it is, and the lot we've been given. We, as parents, don't like ungrateful children and neither does God. So although I have a lot to be thankful for currently (at the end of the year), I've learned to be thankful for this entire year. Even in the bad times I saw God's hand moving. I probably saw Him at the beginning of the year ten times more than at the end. It is actually in the trials that we see God, and seek God, the most. The key is not being bitter about your circumstances, but finding hope in the blessings of life.

I filled out the family tree of Hannah's baby book the other day and realized family heritage is everything. This little one has taught me so much already. I'm thankful for her life:

Other stats:

*Gained about 14 lbs

*Nausea only when I don't eat, but heart burn has definitely kicked in

*Craving lemondade and cold drinks

*Feeling kicks all day, and the kids love feeling kicks too

*Liz keeps telling me she loves the baby and can't wait for her to be in her room

*Gabriel thinks getting kicked is funny/weird

*Josiah says "awwww, baby" and pats my tummy. He also wants to "hear it" all the time

Baby #4 Is a GIRL!

Well I'm now 4 for 4 with guessing my baby's genders. I contribute this to dreams that I've had, and maybe a little intuition. I've said it before on this blog, but I had a dream about this one about a year -or more- ago. Josh and I were trying for a long while for baby #4, and about half way through I had a dream about our Hannah. I gave birth and reached down to grab my baby to pull her up to my chest when I said, "My Hannah." When I looked up the meaning for the name it was "Favor" or "Grace" and she was the mother of Samuel in the Bible. All of my kids are connected by a Biblical story, so this further confirmed her name in my heart. The morning after the dream I didn't realize that I would have to wait many more months to become pregnant. I thought the dream was also telling me I would be pregnant that month (or  the next month). Fast forward to today (many months later) when we found out baby #4 was a girl, and the strong baby in my belly was worth the wait! She looks perfect and is a mover! She kicked, flipped, and moved the whole time we got a peek into her home in my belly.

We got to watch her move and wiggle for about an hour. We got to see her four chambered heart, diaphragm, ribs, spine, brain, tummy, kidneys, and take her measurements. I closed my eyes when the tech wrote, "It's a Girl" on the screen. The kids were all there and loved seeing their baby sister on the screen. Liz was especially loving! She came and laid her head on the table for me to rub my fingers through her hair as she hugged my arm. I think she especially enjoyed seeing the baby! As the session came to an end our tech printed a large sheet of photos for us. She put about 3 photos per kid into an envelope. Gabriel, Josiah, and Elizabeth are now walking around showing each other photos of "their baby." I think they are proud big siblings!

We decided to go to the park after our ultrasound appointment to break the piñata. The kids gave their guesses before we started hitting the piñata:

And then we started the process of breaking the piñata open. Josh was so excited he told us we were all doing it wrong and proceeded to bust the thing off the tree-- lol. I love how he then ran over to it yelling "it's a girl!" I believe he was more excited to find out than he ever let on. His love for these babies makes me fall in love with him so much more =).

We got lots of photos of baby Hannah, but she wouldn't sit still long enough to get great stills. I honestly don't recall feeling the other babes move so much and so strong at 18 weeks (I saw her moving around at 17 weeks on the outside). This baby is measuring 18 weeks and 5 days which is 5 days more than my due date. This would put her possible birth date at March 10th. If the baby was born on the 10th or 15th God is definitely showing off. My other babes were born on the 15th, 20th, and 25th, SO I really can not wait for March. The 10th would be super amazing! Here are pics of our little bundle of joy:

And photos from the Reveal:

It's been a big day and we are over the moon =).

16.5 Weeks!

I debated posting because I don't have photos this week, but I decided for information sake (and to look back at in the future) I would. I felt BABY KICKS on the OUTSIDE today! I can't believe how strong this little one is. I looked back at previous blogs and we (Josh and I) felt Josiah at 17 weeks, but this time seems more pronounced. I can even see my belly move where SHE/he (bc I am certain in my mind its a girl) is kicking.

My ultrasound is scheduled for October 14 which is the day before Gabriel's birthday. I can hardly believe my first baby is going to be six years old. We are planning a pinata for the gender reveal and I'll let the kiddos break it. We are also going to make the paper mache pinata together. It should look something like this:

Hopefully it won't be a Pinterest Fail (ha). I'll post photos of the process once that gets started. It should be nice and messy ;)

We are also planning the kids combined birthday party. I can't wait to share photos of our Farm Animal Bash. I also have a Pinterest inspired cake to make. Here is a sneak peek:

Needless to say we will be busy for the next few days!!! Wish me luck ;).

Week 15!

The weeks seem to be going a little quicker now in the second trimester. I always feel like they move slow during the first. I'm not going to write much because I have to homeschool Gabriel, but here is the 15 week photo. I skipped a few photos because it is still early on and I'm not growing much, but I'll keep up probably after 20 weeks =).

Week 14!

Baby is about the size of a lemon and momma already feels the size of a small cow. A few of my jeans fit but most do not. It'll be nice I guess when my belly looks pregnant and not just thick. I love going back and reading old blogs because I have many of the same sentiments. It is amazing to be pregnant and I am enjoying all of the milestones again. Like being in the second trimester! HELLO second trimester--officially =)! I feel little flutters and "quickening" occasionally but certainly nothing consistent. I've also used my sister's doppler way more often than I originally set out to, but that is mostly because our little Josiah is in LOVE with listening to baby B4. He calls out to the other kids "HEAR IT, C'MON--HEAR IT!" I can't resist him, he is going to love this little babe. It's also dawned on me that in 3-4 short weeks we could be finding out the sex of baby 4! I had the thought today of doing a piñata that the kids can bash with colored confetti and candy (candy for their benefit). If we don't wait until birth this sounded like a pretty awesome idea to incorporate the whole family. So next step is getting that ultrasound scheduled. It should be the week before or of Gabriel's birthday (Oct 15).

12 Weeks!

I had an OB appointment today on my 12 week date, and I convinced the doctor to give me an ultrasound by telling him I thought it "could" be twins. Twins run in my family and with my symptoms being worse this time than the previous 3 pregnancies I thought it could be a possibility. The doctor was super sweet and said he wouldn't want me to walk out still wondering, so he got me in for an ultrasound. Then the ultrasound tech was incredibly sweet and let me watch our baby move and dance for a while. It seems to be only one baby in there, and #4 looks to be healthy so far. She/he has a strong heart beat and is measuring 13 weeks +1 day. I know this can't be possible because Josh and I were trying for this baby and I was closely timing everything. I know my dates are correct, so possibly we just have a big baby on our hands ;). Momma gained a quick 5 lbs the first few weeks and then haven't gained any more. Probably because I can't hardly eat without gagging and I've "tossed my cookies" a few more times than in previous pregnancies. I was sick like this with Elizabeth, so I'm sticking with my girl inclination. We may have changed the middle name to "Elise," but this is still up in the air obviously. I realize it's a derivative of Elizabeth, but maybe Josh and I just like the name so much we are o.k. with that?!

Here is a picture of Baby B 4:

In the first photo baby is looking directly at the screen. In the second it's a butt shot with legs crossed at the ankles. If I were a little further along this would have been the money shot! I'm still debating, however, if I want to wait until birth. I think it would be exciting to wait, but I don't really trust myself because as soon as I saw this shot I immediately looked for the gender. I'm pretty good at noticing boy or girl at this point, so I might spoil it for myself! I guess I have 6 more weeks to figure it out ;). I should have a scheduled anatomy scan the week before Gabriel's birthday (around October 5-12th).

Aside from all the technical stuff I have to say that watching baby move and wiggle all around in there was just as amazing as the very first time I saw it. It's also so surreal. I know it's my belly and I know it's my baby, but I'm just in AWE of life and creation! I feel little kicks and flutters already but nothing consistent just yet. It was funny to see the baby moving all around but not actually feel all of it. Just a few more weeks and it'll be more consistent... I can't wait! 

I decided on silhouette baby bump photos this time. Here is the first:

8 Weeks

It's sort of crazy to be writing about baby #4 after I went back and read my blog from baby #1 and #2.  In one of those blogs years ago I mentioned having 4 children all together, and to now be looking at #4 coming in just a few months is eye opening to say the least. It has been just a few short years filled with lots of love, giggles, and happiness. I can't say for certain #4 will be the last but I'm pretty sure he/she will be. It's just in my mind I'm not sure if I will be able to say, "this is the last." I would rather sort of leave it open to God's leading and tugging on my heart. I, however, feel complete -for now- so we'll just leave that there =).

I had a doctor appointment today and was seriously disappointed not to be able to hear a heart beat. I know I would have scheduled the appointment later had I known that wasn't possible. Now I'll have to wait until September 1 to hear it. Or hopefully be able to pick it up on my sisters doppler between now and then.

I feel much like I did with Elizabeth's pregnancy. I'm bloated, stuffy nosed, fatigued (which was with the boys too), and have food/smell aversions like crazy. This last symptom was strictly with Elizabeth's pregnancy, so again I'm going to go on saying here that "it" is a girl ;).

I'm heavier this time around than I've been in all three of my other pregnancies. I'm hoping this means I'll even out around the end, but we'll see. I'm not stressing about that this time around. Amazing what four pregnancies and experience will do to you, but I know I'm not getting obese or anything, I know I'm healthy, and I know breast feeding I'm going to lose a lot of weight. It's nice to relax a little bit this time around and just enjoy all the moments!

I get a lot of "oh you have your hands full" at supermarkets and stores and I know soon they will also notice I'm expecting again. I can't wait to hear the comments on that, lol. I've honestly come to embrace these conversations though. I don't believe most people are being -or trying to be- rude per se. I think they just want to talk, but really don't know what else to say to start conversation other than something cliche. I came to this conclusion after a few older women telling me how blessed I was following the "your hands are full" statement. So instead of saying something smart aleck back I generally smile and say, "yes they are." I'm happy that my hands are full because so is my heart. I hope that comes across when people are talking to me. I don't want to come across as aloof or disconnected when people try to start a conversation. Having children with me actually opens a door that isn't typically open when I'm at the store alone. Nobody starts conversation with me when I'm walking the aisles alone. It's only when I'm pregnant, or have all the kiddos around, that people open up. It's something of a blessing really. Imagine a society where people would openly talk and get to know each other, and not walk around in our own worlds. I think we would be willing to help each other a little more. Like the woman behind me at Target who cleaned up the ice one of my kids spilt, instead of looking at me like I was insane for having so many kids. If only the world had more people like her. They say it takes a village, but we often are too rude to even allow villagers into our lives. Too rude to start up conversation with someone just because they say something we find "offensive." I guess I'm just giving advice here to other mommas. Allow people to talk with you, to help you, and to share in the human experience. Kids ARE a blessing and generally when an older person is talking about how full your hands are it's because they are missing those times when they too had full hands. I'll have to think of something good to say when I start to show again ;).

Here We Go Again!

I made the announcement super early --I'm only 5 weeks-- but I felt really good about this pregnancy so I figured why not! A couple of months ago I got pregnant but I never felt good about it, so I never announced it. I actually never told even family about it (so sorry this is a surprise).  I had a weak weak line and about two weeks later started what seemed to be a heavy period. That's about all I let myself process anyway. I never got excited about it because I knew it wasn't going to result in a baby at the end. Maybe that sounds cruel, but that's the way I process things. It's better sometimes not to get too excited just to be let down. Honestly it just felt like another let down after a half year of hard times. We are still not out of the "tough stuff," but this little life inside me seems to be a candle in the dark. I'm thankful to see God's hand working in our lives, even during the tough times! The month I got pregnant was the month dad's chemo treatments ended. This may not seem like much of a coincidence unless you understood God's perfect timing. I realize life doesn't necessarily revolve around my work, but life runs more smoothly when we have jobs booked (money)-- haha. So I often see God's hand working through our work life. In this I see that He has always been faithful to provide. I think you see this more when you run a small business yourself. When it's a big corporation that you work for you obviously just expect your paycheck, but when you are a small business owner/manager you sometimes miss payments when no money is there. When you don't know how you are possibly going to make a payment and then someone just randomly sends a check to cover just that amount you need, you realize that God is at work. Or at least you should start to look at things that way if you don't. So here we are wondering why at the beginning of the year we have weddings in February, March, and May but none in April or June (no double bookings that dad would be needed at during the first part of the year). Then we are booked in September, October, November, and several in December (which is WEIRD to have that many in December). Well so in January dad's in the hospital and almost dies --a few times--. In March I guess it was he started chemo treatment, and in June he is done (3 months of treatment finished). I can't tell you how perfectly spaced out and timed all the weddings have been so that dad and I could handle the editing and deliver semi on time, but also that we had no double bookings and Josh and I were able to shoot the weddings. On the work side this is how I saw God working in our lives.

On the personal side, Josh and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past year and a half! I don't know if you recall but I wrote a blog once boasting that some people just get pregnant easy. I thought I was like a rabbit because I would want a baby, try for a month, and get pregnant. So I was scared to ever be off some sort of family planning (I use fertility awareness methods) because I literally thought every time we didn't avoid I would get pregnant! Anyway, so now I realize more than ever that God is the one who truly opens and closes the womb. Every person on this earth was pre ordained and planned. Every person has a purpose! God was once again teaching me a big lesson. I really need to watch what I say in my blogs--HA! But God was also sparing me from being pregnant -or giving birth- in one of the most difficult seasons of my life thus far. He was also sparing our family livelihood, because I am not sure I could have worked the amount of hours I've worked the past few months either full term pregnant or having a newborn. Actually with a newborn there would have been no way. Jobs might have had to been cancelled with very upset clients I am sure! So now I just stand in awe that I get pregnant the month dad's chemo is done and he begins his journey to getting stronger. By the time this baby is born dad should be healthy and able to do all the jobs I can't. But also emotionally I'm able to deal. If I were pregnant while dad was in the hospital I'm not sure it would have been good for a baby. I was stressed and physically sick to my stomach at times. So, again, just looking back and seeing God working has been amazing. Every little detail is already pre ordained and worked out; we just need to learn to trust that God has a reason. I never got too upset about not getting pregnant over the past year and a half because I trusted God had a plan. I didn't know what it was, but I see it now pretty clearly and I'm amazed. I also knew there would be a fourth, I just didn't know when.

Now, a little premonition if you will about the baby to come....

I'm going to go out on a limb here now and tell you about the dream I'm trusting in. About a year ago now, maybe a little more, I had a dream that I gave birth and upon pushing the baby out I reached down to grab HER and said, "my Hannah!" I looked up the name Hannah because I had never thought about that name before, as a potential baby name for me, and saw that Hannah was actually the mother of Samuel. This cemented in my mind that God has chosen the name, and I'll tell you why.  My kids names are all connected Biblically in some way. Gabriel came to Elizabeth in a dream and told her she would conceive John. Then Samuel (Josiah's middle name) is connected to David (Gabriel) in that Samuel anointed David to be king. None of this was planned by Josh or I btw, I just noticed the trend as I looked at their name meanings. So when I saw this about Hannah it was pretty concrete in my head that God was telling me something. Now when I look at the actual meaning of the name, Grace or God's favor, I understand that if this is a girl God has shown me a lot of Grace in His plans for Josh and I's life. Obviously I do not know that this is a girl, or even for sure that I won't miscarry, but I'm believing in this dream, and I have a strong inclination that I am carrying a girl. It's almost difficult to post this because I'll feel really stupid if it's a boy-- lol. Or perhaps I'll know that there will be one more ;). I will have a Hannah, I truly believe this because I've learned to trust certain dreams. I don't dream often, but I have dreamt about each one of my children. So I can't wait to share with you boy or girl this time! I'm writing it here because telling you this after the fact wouldn't mean as much.  If this is Hannah she will be Hannah Grace Barnett because God has shown me more favor than I could ever deserve! Oh, also lets hope for another DUE DATE BABY because all of my babies are multiples of 5. Gabriel was 15th, Liz 20th, Josiah 25th. This baby is due 3-15-16. It's not TOO far fetched since my boys were born on their due dates and Liz was born 2 days before her due date just so she could fit into the multiple of "5" trend-hehe.

If it's a boy God will have to reveal a name to me because I literally have no idea-lol. But as I've said in the past I would be surprised if it weren't a girl. I've predicted 3 out of 3, so here goes #4 ;). Pray for us please and a healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby. I look forward to sharing our journey once again--possibly for the last time (but again--God may have other plans that I'll be open to!).

It's Got to Get Better

I have been wanting to write since the beginning of the year but life keeps kicking us down. I wrote in my other blog that I hadn't really gone through "tough stuff," and then almost instantly "stuff" happened. Dad found out he had cancer, had a surgery in quick order, got sepsis, and then tachycardia and almost died (twice). His story is quite amazing and I hope he writes about it someday. It inspires everyone he talks to, but I can't tell it like he can. The only thing I can say is the beginning of the year was rough, emotionally and physically. Well, to be honest, the whole year so far has been rough, and it has not let up. Dad and I run a business together, so when he got sick things got slower but still needed to continue on. At the time we weren't sure how many weddings to book, when he would be better, etc. etc.. Fast forward a few months and the business is still afloat and doing well, it's just slower than normal. Dad is working as much as he can and I'm working double time. With three kids this work load has taken a toll. Thankfully his last chemotherapy treatment is next week and then one more surgery. We are hoping for things to be pretty normal after that! It's amazing to see how God designed our year this year and it is a relief to see his hand in the midst of it all.

There is one thing that I feel is also part of God's plan, but it's also hard to understand. Josh and I have been trying to get pregnant with number four for a little over a year now. It is probably stress on my part, and I understand if I had a fourth right now with my current work load I might not have been able to handle it all, but it's still difficult every month. I am happy with three babies but feel there is supposed to be a fourth. I would "like" all four kids to be close in age, but obviously my plans are not His. It's definitely a different time in our lives because Josiah is now two and I'm not pregnant with another. We will be putting away cribs (one is converted to a twin bed and is Gabriel's bed), put away the high chair, and will soon be putting away diapers (Josiah is a quick study). It's strange to be putting these things into the garage unknowing if we will have another any time soon -or at all-. It is also nice in some ways to be putting the baby things away. When I think about it I often wonder if  it would be nice to move on to the next stage of life, so I'm in limbo in this area. Obviously if there is a fourth he/she will be welcomed in God's time, but it seems like more of a life change once we've already put the baby stuff away. I'm trusting God here and it has helped me realize that each child is truly part of God's ultimate plan. None are just mistakes. They are very deliberate. Fertility and life are so intricate and held together by a creator who makes each person unique -- and for a purpose.

As if these two things were not enough another issue came up a few weeks ago. This I can't talk about. All I want to say is we need prayer for the best possible outcomes. This issue has really shaken us and we are beyond ready to move on.

It feels good to get all of this out for records sake. Just to remember how I felt during this time. How I feel is pretty cyclical. There are good days and bad, and I'm learning a lot. I'm learning what is important in life and what is not. I'm learning that some battles are just not worth fighting, and that people are down right horrible when they get behind a computer. The things you read online, written by commentators and some bloggers, should be taken with a grain of salt. I know that statement seems left field but it has a purpose. Unfortunately it is a purpose I can't explain fully because of the situation currently in our lives, but I'll go on vaguely.  People can say what they want online, but when actually faced with situations they would react much different than they react when the situation is in someone else's life. How they react is a test of their character. It's where the rubber meets the road. Where things get tough. When you have to make decisions between right and wrong, make the right ones without regard for the consequences. What I would like to see more is for people to make the right decisions despite the consequences. Right is right, let God sort out the details. He will lead our paths even if they are difficult to walk. What I'm learning is you must keep moving, even if it is just one step in front of another.

The title of my post was, "It's Got to Get Better," but honestly nobody ever promised that. It could get worse. I'm not saying that to be pessimistic necessarily. I'm saying it because I know even if it does I know God is there. The truths from His word are the only thing I can cling to. They are all I want to read because there is so much wisdom in them. But even reading them has become a chore because my house ensues in chaos as soon as I take my Bible out or go to write something about God. Even writing this I've gotten up numerous times and my kids yelling at me from the bathroom, from outside, and from their rooms all in need of petty things. It reminds me of Ephesians 6, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. " The devil uses many resources to keep us from standing and being ready, but I'll keep standing because I can find strength in God's promises!