It's Got to Get Better

I have been wanting to write since the beginning of the year but life keeps kicking us down. I wrote in my other blog that I hadn't really gone through "tough stuff," and then almost instantly "stuff" happened. Dad found out he had cancer, had a surgery in quick order, got sepsis, and then tachycardia and almost died (twice). His story is quite amazing and I hope he writes about it someday. It inspires everyone he talks to, but I can't tell it like he can. The only thing I can say is the beginning of the year was rough, emotionally and physically. Well, to be honest, the whole year so far has been rough, and it has not let up. Dad and I run a business together, so when he got sick things got slower but still needed to continue on. At the time we weren't sure how many weddings to book, when he would be better, etc. etc.. Fast forward a few months and the business is still afloat and doing well, it's just slower than normal. Dad is working as much as he can and I'm working double time. With three kids this work load has taken a toll. Thankfully his last chemotherapy treatment is next week and then one more surgery. We are hoping for things to be pretty normal after that! It's amazing to see how God designed our year this year and it is a relief to see his hand in the midst of it all.

There is one thing that I feel is also part of God's plan, but it's also hard to understand. Josh and I have been trying to get pregnant with number four for a little over a year now. It is probably stress on my part, and I understand if I had a fourth right now with my current work load I might not have been able to handle it all, but it's still difficult every month. I am happy with three babies but feel there is supposed to be a fourth. I would "like" all four kids to be close in age, but obviously my plans are not His. It's definitely a different time in our lives because Josiah is now two and I'm not pregnant with another. We will be putting away cribs (one is converted to a twin bed and is Gabriel's bed), put away the high chair, and will soon be putting away diapers (Josiah is a quick study). It's strange to be putting these things into the garage unknowing if we will have another any time soon -or at all-. It is also nice in some ways to be putting the baby things away. When I think about it I often wonder if  it would be nice to move on to the next stage of life, so I'm in limbo in this area. Obviously if there is a fourth he/she will be welcomed in God's time, but it seems like more of a life change once we've already put the baby stuff away. I'm trusting God here and it has helped me realize that each child is truly part of God's ultimate plan. None are just mistakes. They are very deliberate. Fertility and life are so intricate and held together by a creator who makes each person unique -- and for a purpose.

As if these two things were not enough another issue came up a few weeks ago. This I can't talk about. All I want to say is we need prayer for the best possible outcomes. This issue has really shaken us and we are beyond ready to move on.

It feels good to get all of this out for records sake. Just to remember how I felt during this time. How I feel is pretty cyclical. There are good days and bad, and I'm learning a lot. I'm learning what is important in life and what is not. I'm learning that some battles are just not worth fighting, and that people are down right horrible when they get behind a computer. The things you read online, written by commentators and some bloggers, should be taken with a grain of salt. I know that statement seems left field but it has a purpose. Unfortunately it is a purpose I can't explain fully because of the situation currently in our lives, but I'll go on vaguely.  People can say what they want online, but when actually faced with situations they would react much different than they react when the situation is in someone else's life. How they react is a test of their character. It's where the rubber meets the road. Where things get tough. When you have to make decisions between right and wrong, make the right ones without regard for the consequences. What I would like to see more is for people to make the right decisions despite the consequences. Right is right, let God sort out the details. He will lead our paths even if they are difficult to walk. What I'm learning is you must keep moving, even if it is just one step in front of another.

The title of my post was, "It's Got to Get Better," but honestly nobody ever promised that. It could get worse. I'm not saying that to be pessimistic necessarily. I'm saying it because I know even if it does I know God is there. The truths from His word are the only thing I can cling to. They are all I want to read because there is so much wisdom in them. But even reading them has become a chore because my house ensues in chaos as soon as I take my Bible out or go to write something about God. Even writing this I've gotten up numerous times and my kids yelling at me from the bathroom, from outside, and from their rooms all in need of petty things. It reminds me of Ephesians 6, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. " The devil uses many resources to keep us from standing and being ready, but I'll keep standing because I can find strength in God's promises!