I can't believe I'm 22 weeks, know what I'm having, and feeling strong kicks daily. When I say strong kicks I mean like belly moving already. Hannah is extremely mobile and strong and it kind of scares me to think about her getting bigger in there! It seems like yesterday I ran into the kitchen yelling "that's a line, that's a line" on the pregnancy test. I had waited for this baby and prayed for her. I had a year full of tears, ups, and downs. Prior to this year I had taken getting pregnant for granted. It only took me a month, maybe two, and I was pregnant with the other three. Well with Josiah I didn't even plan it; he just came. There was no waiting, hoping, praying, and trying. No stark white pregnancy tests every month, and no miscarriages (yes I had one in between Josiah and Hannah this year). Then there was no stress that my dad might not make it to see the next day. There were no phone calls making me feel at ease just to get a text a few moments later making me feel like my world would be changed forever. Then there was the other thing. The thing some of you know but most of you don't. It's the part of my life I probably won't talk about much. This was a difficult year for me, and to think of it closing in just a short few weeks brings me lots of emotions. At the middle of the year I was praying for this year to end. It was the worst year of my life thus far. I just wanted it to be over because the next year had to be better. Then everything changed. God blessed me twice. He healed my dad and he gave me Hannah. The year was instantly looking up! Now I can focus on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the joys of having another baby. I've had a few glares, I've heard a few tell me how lucky I am, and I've even had a few tell me they can't even be happy for me. I guess having boy, girl, boy, girl is a coveted thing. I can't/won't apologize for the blessings that God has given me in the midst of a horrible year, but I won't take it for granted either. I feel incredibly blessed! At Marshall's, while buying a few baby items, a very nice lady asked me if I was going to have a baby. I told her "yes, I am in my 6 month." She then asks me if it is my second. I told her it was actually my fourth expecting the "wow, are you kidding me?!" that I usually get; but to my surprise she says, "ohhhh, you are so lucky." She then goes on to tell me she has one six year old girl and has not been able to get pregnant since. She's been desperately trying, seeking medical help, etc.. It was in this moment I could throw out all the negativity about how many children I have (apparently four is two too many for most) and just be eternally grateful for the blessings God has given me. Since that time I've also had my midwife tell me she would have had a hundred babies if she could, but after a miscarriage/still birth she couldn't get pregnant again. I am not out of the woods yet with this pregnancy, but I am thankful for what I have been given. Children are a blessing and heritage from the Lord, boy or girl. I would have been thankful, and have felt blessed, with either because each is planned by God to make an impact of some sort in the world.
Speaking of an impact in the world; I walk by my kitchen hutch where I've placed photos of Hannah (with a Thanksgiving theme) and I can't help but wonder who she will be. Each one of my children is so unique and special. Maybe it is me getting older, or maybe it took not being able to get pregnant for a year (although I know that is a drop in the bucket to some) that made me realize I took my kids for granted in some ways. With Hannah I can't even throw away that pregnancy test, because it reminds me of the past year-- the trials, the joys, but most importantly the things I want to change. I want to pour more life into my kids and their individual personalities. I want to help them become all that God has created them to be and see their potential grow. Not so much in sports, activities, etc. but in growing their souls. In helping their spirits flourish and helping them to understand that happiness does not come from circumstances. Happiness comes from within the soul. Happiness is being content, finding pleasure in the smallest of things, and accepting life for what it is, and the lot we've been given. We, as parents, don't like ungrateful children and neither does God. So although I have a lot to be thankful for currently (at the end of the year), I've learned to be thankful for this entire year. Even in the bad times I saw God's hand moving. I probably saw Him at the beginning of the year ten times more than at the end. It is actually in the trials that we see God, and seek God, the most. The key is not being bitter about your circumstances, but finding hope in the blessings of life.
I filled out the family tree of Hannah's baby book the other day and realized family heritage is everything. This little one has taught me so much already. I'm thankful for her life:
Other stats:
*Gained about 14 lbs
*Nausea only when I don't eat, but heart burn has definitely kicked in
*Craving lemondade and cold drinks
*Feeling kicks all day, and the kids love feeling kicks too
*Liz keeps telling me she loves the baby and can't wait for her to be in her room
*Gabriel thinks getting kicked is funny/weird
*Josiah says "awwww, baby" and pats my tummy. He also wants to "hear it" all the time
