I made the announcement super early --I'm only 5 weeks-- but I felt really good about this pregnancy so I figured why not! A couple of months ago I got pregnant but I never felt good about it, so I never announced it. I actually never told even family about it (so sorry this is a surprise). I had a weak weak line and about two weeks later started what seemed to be a heavy period. That's about all I let myself process anyway. I never got excited about it because I knew it wasn't going to result in a baby at the end. Maybe that sounds cruel, but that's the way I process things. It's better sometimes not to get too excited just to be let down. Honestly it just felt like another let down after a half year of hard times. We are still not out of the "tough stuff," but this little life inside me seems to be a candle in the dark. I'm thankful to see God's hand working in our lives, even during the tough times! The month I got pregnant was the month dad's chemo treatments ended. This may not seem like much of a coincidence unless you understood God's perfect timing. I realize life doesn't necessarily revolve around my work, but life runs more smoothly when we have jobs booked (money)-- haha. So I often see God's hand working through our work life. In this I see that He has always been faithful to provide. I think you see this more when you run a small business yourself. When it's a big corporation that you work for you obviously just expect your paycheck, but when you are a small business owner/manager you sometimes miss payments when no money is there. When you don't know how you are possibly going to make a payment and then someone just randomly sends a check to cover just that amount you need, you realize that God is at work. Or at least you should start to look at things that way if you don't. So here we are wondering why at the beginning of the year we have weddings in February, March, and May but none in April or June (no double bookings that dad would be needed at during the first part of the year). Then we are booked in September, October, November, and several in December (which is WEIRD to have that many in December). Well so in January dad's in the hospital and almost dies --a few times--. In March I guess it was he started chemo treatment, and in June he is done (3 months of treatment finished). I can't tell you how perfectly spaced out and timed all the weddings have been so that dad and I could handle the editing and deliver semi on time, but also that we had no double bookings and Josh and I were able to shoot the weddings. On the work side this is how I saw God working in our lives.
On the personal side, Josh and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past year and a half! I don't know if you recall but I wrote a blog once boasting that some people just get pregnant easy. I thought I was like a rabbit because I would want a baby, try for a month, and get pregnant. So I was scared to ever be off some sort of family planning (I use fertility awareness methods) because I literally thought every time we didn't avoid I would get pregnant! Anyway, so now I realize more than ever that God is the one who truly opens and closes the womb. Every person on this earth was pre ordained and planned. Every person has a purpose! God was once again teaching me a big lesson. I really need to watch what I say in my blogs--HA! But God was also sparing me from being pregnant -or giving birth- in one of the most difficult seasons of my life thus far. He was also sparing our family livelihood, because I am not sure I could have worked the amount of hours I've worked the past few months either full term pregnant or having a newborn. Actually with a newborn there would have been no way. Jobs might have had to been cancelled with very upset clients I am sure! So now I just stand in awe that I get pregnant the month dad's chemo is done and he begins his journey to getting stronger. By the time this baby is born dad should be healthy and able to do all the jobs I can't. But also emotionally I'm able to deal. If I were pregnant while dad was in the hospital I'm not sure it would have been good for a baby. I was stressed and physically sick to my stomach at times. So, again, just looking back and seeing God working has been amazing. Every little detail is already pre ordained and worked out; we just need to learn to trust that God has a reason. I never got too upset about not getting pregnant over the past year and a half because I trusted God had a plan. I didn't know what it was, but I see it now pretty clearly and I'm amazed. I also knew there would be a fourth, I just didn't know when.
Now, a little premonition if you will about the baby to come....
I'm going to go out on a limb here now and tell you about the dream I'm trusting in. About a year ago now, maybe a little more, I had a dream that I gave birth and upon pushing the baby out I reached down to grab HER and said, "my Hannah!" I looked up the name Hannah because I had never thought about that name before, as a potential baby name for me, and saw that Hannah was actually the mother of Samuel. This cemented in my mind that God has chosen the name, and I'll tell you why. My kids names are all connected Biblically in some way. Gabriel came to Elizabeth in a dream and told her she would conceive John. Then Samuel (Josiah's middle name) is connected to David (Gabriel) in that Samuel anointed David to be king. None of this was planned by Josh or I btw, I just noticed the trend as I looked at their name meanings. So when I saw this about Hannah it was pretty concrete in my head that God was telling me something. Now when I look at the actual meaning of the name, Grace or God's favor, I understand that if this is a girl God has shown me a lot of Grace in His plans for Josh and I's life. Obviously I do not know that this is a girl, or even for sure that I won't miscarry, but I'm believing in this dream, and I have a strong inclination that I am carrying a girl. It's almost difficult to post this because I'll feel really stupid if it's a boy-- lol. Or perhaps I'll know that there will be one more ;). I will have a Hannah, I truly believe this because I've learned to trust certain dreams. I don't dream often, but I have dreamt about each one of my children. So I can't wait to share with you boy or girl this time! I'm writing it here because telling you this after the fact wouldn't mean as much. If this is Hannah she will be Hannah Grace Barnett because God has shown me more favor than I could ever deserve! Oh, also lets hope for another DUE DATE BABY because all of my babies are multiples of 5. Gabriel was 15th, Liz 20th, Josiah 25th. This baby is due 3-15-16. It's not TOO far fetched since my boys were born on their due dates and Liz was born 2 days before her due date just so she could fit into the multiple of "5" trend-hehe.
If it's a boy God will have to reveal a name to me because I literally have no idea-lol. But as I've said in the past I would be surprised if it weren't a girl. I've predicted 3 out of 3, so here goes #4 ;). Pray for us please and a healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby. I look forward to sharing our journey once again--possibly for the last time (but again--God may have other plans that I'll be open to!).
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